My phone died last night, so I didn’t get up in time this morning; now I can’t find my charger so I can’t call Andrew (who I’m supposed to hang out with), and I feel completely disconnected.

I searched studio and my apartment (meaning I picked up ALL my dirty laundry… an epic deed), and nothing.

Long winded thoughts on myself.

So I may be playing the role of shitty partner right now, because Jessica goes into work at 4 and she may be at DAAP right now, but all I know is that I’m enjoying feeling completely rested, and laying in bed at 1:52 with a day laying ready for me outside, full of sketch models as it may be.

It’s times like these that I love to sit and think about myself, and especially in the early morning (which this is not, but let’s pretend), I can’t let myself be pessimistic about myself.  That’s reserved for nighttime.  Morning is for thinking back on how you’ve changed and thinking forwards towards what you want to become.

I was admitted to DAAP finally, which was a big deal.  Along with that came all of these mini-realizations about myself.  My teachers tried to prove that I was anal or overly organized the other day, but couldn’t because they would just glance at my trash/idea/paper/food covered desk and realize I was not clean, nor a list maker.  But I do have these “perfectionist” tendencies, where I know my craft wont be clean nor my idea fully developed, but I want to see my idea fully completed.

Also, I tend to be the most outspoken in our studio.  Perhaps that’s the wrong word, but what I mean by that is when the 14 of us were told we made it in, we were also told that we wouldn’t have desks in studio yet.  We were to stay in the Material’s Library (read as: closet) for classes.  I was the one who berated Ann Black and other administration, backed by a few studio professors, about the fact that at least 14 people had dropped out and if we reconfigured the long studio room, a line of 7 and 7 desks facing each other could be dropped in, giving us a studio with the “regulars” where we can use them to bounce ideas off of and to start to meet people.  And we got our studio.  This whole scenario of everyone wanting something and Cameron taking the lead has happened quite a few times.

I’ve also been able to get over things from the past, which are now coincidentally surfacing all at the same time.  I’ve had some horrible breakups of best-friendship with a few people, and over time they’ve been talked about and those ex-best friends have become aquantences again, and even friends.  But as of today, I’m pretty sure that both of them are going to be attending UC next year.  And I’m not overly joyed, nor am I completely miserable; I’m proud of them for taking initiative and figuring out what they want to do and going for it, even if it means moving 4 hours away from home, taking out loans, or starting their 4th year of college as a freshman again.  I’m glad they’re going to be here because we do indeed get along again, but I’m not longer tied up in whatever the drama was.

There will be more on this later, because I’m simply rambling now, but I’m just saying that I’m definitely working my shit out.  Still boyfriendless, but I think that’s definitely where I need to be because 1) I am not happy with myself completely, and I really think it’s true that if you can’t love yourself you can’t love another, and 2) I haven’t really been that enamoured with the suitors yet.  It’s honestly been mostly a physical thing for most guys, and sorry fellas, but I can give myself an orgasm… can’t take myself out for dinner and a movie though.

<3
Me